Warning to the Analogy Police: You cant get Blood from a Turnip, the best you can do is force me to pay them damned Parking tickets for which i will most certainly play the Race Card. This post is purely meant to highlight the addictive and innovative quality of a Niche TV Channel, it also pertains to "how" we consume Pro Football and possibly other sports- nothing more, now get off my blog clown.
There, we have that disclaimer shit out of the way and now we can talk about the NFL (AKA Tha Dopeman) coming back this Sunday ..as if they have to look for your ass!. You know where to find Mr. NFL Dopeman, I'm the sweaty, quivering dude with the pressured speech and bloodshot eyes and I've been waiting for you. Many of you like me have been on all fours scrounging up any tidbit of information on the game, we even participated in massive false rituals (Pre Season Games) for Sunday Mass Prices. Last week the exterminator at my job sat and talked for 20 minutes about his Fantasy Roster and some back up WR from Dallas. That's his "Jone's" and i cant judge homeboy because my high is channel 740, the Redzone Channel. I even turned to it a few times in July just to make sure it was still there-the logo and elevator music was like one of those music boxes that make babies go to sleep, and Daddy was all better. A lot of times inventions have unintended benefits and the Redzone Channel is rife with them. Honestly i believe it was developed as an adjunct to Fantasy Football geeks to easily track their teams. In my case it allows for Football to be consumed by people who are too damned busy and those who suffer from Attention deficit Disorder; you know the average American. I don't have a lot of time, and what time i do have I'm easily distracted, add that to my love of Football and you have a customer. Like Meth the Redzone Channel can bring about a Euphoria because you actually see every Touchdown in Real Time. Touchdown Heaven, no Three and Outs; no bad times, no problems, who needs to focus on one thing intently..not me. Tim Tebow was just brought in to drive Mark Sanchez crazy, he's the first Made For Redzone Channel Celebrity. The NFL will pipe in the disaster ( i mean experiment) as it unfolds and if the throwing Fullback happens to bowl over a 180 lb. Cornerback i'm VIP at the Tebow Party. Now, one of the side effects of the RedZone channel is it skewers how you view other Sports-your less patient even with the criminally spectacular athletes in Basketball. Now i may not be a mental health professional but i do watch the drug commercials and have dated a therapist or two. From what i gather all of the drugs (Government sponsored or gangsta sponsored) all have side effects and the side effect meds are what Chris Rock likes to call "The Come back". So if the NFL is the Top Dopeman the rest of the major (and not so major) Sports need to get in the dope game and provide their own answers to the junked out Football Fan who cant sit through other sports. Here are a few suggestions....
The NBA Dunk Channel:
That's it, no more half court sets , it's not like cats can shoot like they used to anyway-most half court teams get low TV ratings. Their aren't any post players worth a damn to watch either, who wants to see Dwight Howard catch it and start looking as if he started playing basketball yesterday. The Dunk Channel will only chime in when an Ally oop is thrown or Fastbreaks-Point Guards like Chris Paul will be fitted with wristband cams that detect when he is throwin it up there for Blake Griffith or Deandre Jordan and you'll catch it right after seeing Lerbon finish on a fast break. Just sit there and watch Dunks all night, run the scores on the scroll and give the junkie an option to settle in on a game with a dunk screen inverted on the right hand corner. Dunk Panels on NBA TV feature Darryl Dawkins and Dominique Wilkkins sitting in a studio that looks like a Barber Shop doing what brotha's do- talk about who got they ass dunked on. A Posterized board at the end of the night listing the cats who caught it in the face sponsored by some Shaving Product.
MLB Star and Clutch At Bats, Tags at the Plate and Fence Cam:
Baseball is so far off of my Radar i can barely see any reason to mention it. I played as a kid, collected cards and actually watched the game of the week. Now i just cant sit there while a guy adjust his "area" and the pitcher goes through a ten minute routine; everybody involved in the process (umpires too) wants extended time to ritualized mundane shit. I do follow the game via SportsCenter , i perk up on the last day when teams are trying to clinch and I'm currently following the Yankees collapse to Baltimore. But what i really want to see is STARS, if i can just watch big name face-offs, throws at the plate and real time Home Run Robberies I'm good, got my Baseball in. I've been hearing about Mike Trout all year and i haven't seen one at bat, i shouldn't have to go to Youtube to see the next Mickey Mantle- i tuned in twice last Sunday and couldn't catch him once. MLB should handle that, i have a shaky trigger finger, i drink energy drinks and the Redzone Channel scrambled my Frontal Lobe.
Boxing KTFO channel:
Gennady Golovkin's whole fight could have stayed on the KTFO Channel last week. You mean to tell me you cant put a chip/sensor in those gloves that can give me a direct feed when someone is about to go down? really?. How many of you watch the ESPN Classic mash-up of all of Tyson's Greatest KO's? and how many of you have turned to it over a live fight?.I'm a "purest" but often we watch fights here in the states only to find out somebody in Europe got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT and vice versa. I would subscribe monthly if i can just turn to a Channel and watch people get stunned or go down all around the world. When theres no action we are forced to listen to Corner Men or Blow By Blow men lie to us about what we are seeing. Punchers would make a big jump in marketability ("Money Maidana"?) and Promoters would match explosive fighters just to try and control the KTKO channel. "Styles makes Fights" would take on a whole new meaning, content will be king not Defensive Wizards who dull the senses. I saved Boxing for last because Boxing is the only sport capable of sustained action despite being the worst run. I can also see the other two sports stealing some part of my idea, calling me a crackpot and slapping on a new name like a good Goliath should. Boxing? not so much, Boxing may be a great exploiter of many but too fractured to be enterprising.
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